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iLOL’d: Describe A Character SMeyer Style!

January 3, 2009

Over at the Twilight Sucks forum, people are relentless.  They have a lot of problems with the book series Twilight, with the behavior of its author, and occasionally with some of its fans.

Fortunately, they know how to take things with a sense of humor.

One of their funnier endeavors has been the Describe A Character SMeyer Style thread.  Less a mockery of Stephenie Meyer than some good old-fashioned silliness (by this point, anyway), the thread is an ongoing game where forum users choose any character from any source and describe him/her, using flowery prose and positive adjectives in an effort to make the character as sexy as possible.  One unspoken rule seems to be “the sillier, the better” — characters have ranged from Spongebob to the TARDIS to House.

Since the forum requires signup to access, I can’t provide a link, but here’s a sampling: my personal favorite entry.

“The tall, tall, very tall bushes swayed in the landscape behind him, caught by a light breeze and jittering quietly. Sitting in front, in perfect contrast to their forest green was a man in faded, cherry red. Sitting flat on his well-rounded posterior, grass cradling his overalls carefully and lovingly, his mustache whispered against the subtle wind, each well-crafted hair catching the sunlight and holding it close, warming his smiling face. His plump nose wiggled softly as he sniffed at the air, capturing the scent of pasta in his smooth nostrils. Standing up awkwardly, he patted the dirt off his behind, and hopped excitedly, allowing a cheerful sound to escape from beneath his brusque mustache. His leathery soles slapped the dirt as he took off at an Olympian pace, faster and faster, gaining ungodly speed. He thrust his muscular arms out at his sides, forming makeshift and yet perfect substitutes for the wings of which his angelic form had been so wrongfully robbed. Finally, he leapt into the air, and oh how mighty and beautiful a leap it was! He landed upon the ground some distance away, finding the pasta close by. Searching around carefully, and deciding he was alone, he began to gobble it up with haste, but even as his face became more and more smeared with rigatoni and meat sauce I couldn’t help but become lost in his ocean blue eyes. I found myself yearning to pick every singular hair of his mustache clean, and stroke his round, protruding belly. Heaven help me if I ever reached for the straps of his overalls, for God himself could not stop me then.”

Should you try this game for yourself, be warned: you may need a long shower afterward.

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