DoNotWant: Constipation. (Warning: Graphic.)

March 17, 2009


Just… urgh.

No post yesterday; I spent all weekend helping the family to cut up beef for the freezer, and spent yesterday recovering in front of the computer with some nice, mind-numbing webcomics.  And completely forgot to do a post.

So let me fill you in on mah constipation.

I really don’t know what’s causing it.  This is the third time it’s happened in the past few years; second time in a few months.  It always seems to happen right before TOM, but it doesn’t always happen.  It also always seems to happen after I’ve spent a day or two eating differently from usual – even if, like last time, I practically lived on bread, meat, and nuts.

It’s a real pain in the… well.  Yeah.

The first time wasn’t so bad, relatively speaking.  I was plugged up all day, but had no trouble going that evening, and bam!  No more problems for months.  The last time, right before last Christmas (yep, great timing), it was much worse.  Poo was roughly the consistency of rocks and was not moving through the anus.  It’d just get to a certain point and stick there.  I ended up straining so hard that something started bleeding, and my butt has been slightly sore ever since.  (I kid you not.)

Fortunately, I’ve developed a method of overcoming constipation that made my evening today much more pleasant.  It’s a bit unorthodox, but if you’ve made it this far it can’t be that disturbing.

I actually wound up resorting to this method the last time (butt bleeding and all that) when the pain got to be too much to bear.  I took a few sheets of toilet paper, used them to cover my finger, inserted said finger into the butthole (this took some practice, I daresay) and pulled out the offending turds.

It’s not easy.  They tend to break or get mushy and stick to the walls or other cantankerous things.  But last December, once I’d gotten out the few persnickety little turds everything was much easier.  Less so for this time.  I had to pull out what felt like my colon’s entire contents with my fingers, one globular bit at a time.

It wasn’t too painful, but boy, was it a workout.  It was worth it in the end, though.  Anything is better than going around with a sore colon.  (Still remembering December here.)

So, yeah.  That’s it.  Just had to vent.


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